Car Pr0n

I am a modest guy in general. I change the channel when I see beer ads featurng half naked women. I avert my eyes in the movie theatre when there is gratutious nudity on the screen. I have never purchased a Playboy magazine or anything like that. I never buy a car magazine with bikini-clad women in it because I think that is just stupid. I mean, take the picture I posted here of a woman in a rather modest bathing suit draped over a car. I don't need the woman, just show me the car. But wait, is that a cow print painted Miata? Ewww, maybe I will make an exception for this, I think I would rather look at the woman.

I know what you're thinking: "Gee Chris, you sound gay to me." Well no, it's not that I am not attracted to women, it's quite the opposite actually. I love women, I think they're great. But for a me, staring at half naked or naked women all the time is like asking an alcoholic to watch beer commercials, it is a road I do not want to go down. We all have animal sides to our nature, I just want to keep mine under control. There are plenty of good images out there that I want to fill my mind with, I don't need to fill it with tasteless images of women, or men for that matter. I bet if I was gay I would probably avoid the same types of images of men anyway, that is just how I am.

But when it comes to design and engineering I love to stare at a good car and strip it down with my eyes and have naughty thoughts like: "I wonder if that car puts out............more than 300 horsepower." Or perhaps: "I bet that car could suck............enough air to support 20 lbs of turbo boost." I once almost spun my car into a ditch because I was straining to look at a Porsche 911 slantnose.

So I decided to make a list of some of the most seductive cars ever made. Here it goes:

Aston Martin DB5-

Sean Connery, James Bond, all sexy. Seriously, I do not know if it gets sexier than an Aston Martin DB5. If a minivan says "I've given up trying to be sexy" a DB5 says "I age like fine wine." I'll have my Aston in silver...shaken, not stirred. They actually brought the DB5 back to the Bond series in Goldeneye, fitting since it appeared first in Connery's Goldfinger. You can view the DB5 in action in the clip below.

BMW 507-

The greatest BMW you never heard of, the 507. It was made in the late fifties and was a class act. BMW tried to emulate the 507 with the Z3, Z4 and Z8. But nothing beats the original. Just look at it, simply gorgeous. When I look at it I don't imagine sitting in those seats so much as I imagine those seats having their wicked way with me as the wind runs its fingers through my hair and the vibration from the exhaust digs its fingernails into my back. This car is so cute it would make John McCain look like Colin Farrel.

Ferrari 250-

Bueller...Bueller...Bueller. Yes that iconic car from Ferris Bueller is perhaps the sexiest car of all time. There were a number of variations of the 250, the California GT was the one they chose for the movie, but all of them were gorgeous. Ironically in the movie it was only a replica of the original Ferrari, but it still got the job done because sometimes stuffing your pants or padding your bra actually works. I found a compilation of some of the Ferrari scenes on youtube. The first scene, where they first look at the car, is perhaps one of the greatest scenes in automotive movie history, oh yeah...beautiful, so beautiful.

1977 Corvette-

Once upon a time American car companies could actually make decent looking cars. Sadly a gorgeous American made car is far too rare an occrence these days. This black late seventies Corvette is proof that Americans can make pretty cars. But be careful, if you drive this car do not grow a mustache or wear a silk shirt unbuttoned with a gold chain around your neck; otherwise someone might ask you odd questions about "the swinging lifestyle" or something.

Porsche 356-

Steve McQueen's love interest in Bullitt drove one, my wife wants one... so do I. But what makes the Porsche 356 so sexy? Two words: Top Gun. Before Tom Cruise went off the deep end he was as cool as the other side of the pillow in the eighties. In the movie Top Gun Kelly McGillis drove a Porsche 356. She chased him down on his motorcycle in it and then made out with him, how awesome is that? Want to know what is even better? The video of the song "Take my breath away" by Berlin shows the scene where the Porsche is flying through traffic. Man, I love the eighties. Check out the video, the Porsche is at about 2:30

Lamborghini Miura-

Before Lamborghini became famous for its scissor style doors they made the Miura. Legend has it that Ferruccio Lamborghini was dissatisfied with the clutch of his Ferrari 250gt and went to the factory to complain to Enzo Ferrari about it. Apparently Lamborghini was so upset at the way he was treated by Ferrari, he decided to start a car company to compete with Ferrari. The Miura is the first Lamborghini model that pushed the enevelope as far as design goes. The doors were designed to look like the horns of a bull when they were open.

BMW M5-

Have you ever met someone and not really realize they are incredibly attractive at first? Maybe they do not flaunt their looks, maybe they even play it down on purspose. But once you get to know this person you find them incredibly attractive. They often are a great combination of looks, character and intellect. Well that describes the BMW M5. In particular I find the last model the most alluring. At first sight you have no idea what the car really is. The fact is that the E39 5 series of BMWs is perhaps the best designed midsize sedan of all time. Here is the good news: you can get a high mileage M5 for around $22k, thus making it one of the most attainable cars in ths list.

Toyota Supra-

The only Japanese car I am going to put on this list, the Supra was a true great. They are currently holding their value like few cars can. You can easily spend $30k to $40k on a nice Supra. The sport roof was the best though, the benefits of a convertible without the loss of structural strength. The sexiest thing about this car was the ability of the engine to take on huge turbos. You know what they say about guys with big turbos right?...They have big boost.

This car was made famous in the movie The Fast and the Furious.

There were so many cars I could have put on this list. But I settled for the ones here. I would love to hear what cars you think are too hot for TV. Feel free to leave a comment!

Ford Mustang - Down the only road I've ever known

In the past three years I have travelled a lot and thus rented a LOT of cars. Here is a list of the ones I can recall: 

Saturn Aura 

Chevy Colbalt 

Dodge Frontier 

Lincoln TownCar 

Ford Focus 

Ford Edge 

Ford Tarus 

Ford Mondeo 

Pontiac Gran 

PrixPontiac G6

To be honest, most of these cars are forgettable, but a couple of weeks ago I rented a car worth talking about: a Ford Mustang.

Somehow I had not driven a Mustang since they changed it in 2005, so I was ecstatic to finally get my hands on one. I got the keys from the counter at Hertz and I was practically skipping to the car I was so excited. The first thing I was going to do was put it on a classic Rock and Roll station and turn it up real loud. I was looking down the row searching for the spot that was designated for me, D17 is where my chariot of American muscle awaited me. And then I saw it. It was a gorgeous jet black V8 Mustang GT. It had nice retro looking mag-style wheels with tan leather interior. It had the retro looking fog lights in the front, a nod to the classic Mustangs of the past. It had a tan leather interior just begging you to rest your back on while you mashed the gas pedal. I admit… I was shocked at how good it looked. There was only one problem, this black beauty was in spot D19, my Mustang was in D17.

The sound my wife made when she saw our Mustang is the same sound one makes when a friend suggests that you date someone you find completely unattractive. And I don’t mean unattractive like “they’re not my type.” I mean unattractive like “if they were the last person on earth and the fate of humanity hinged on our mating, I don’t think I could control the vomiting long enough to close the deal.” The Mustang was yellow-orange, no spoiler, with a black cloth interior that had the word “Mustang” written all over it repeatedly. The color was so ugly I wondered if it was specifically made for Hertz, because surely a color that hideous could only be justified if it was exclusive. But no, you can order your Mustang with that color directly from Ford. If I had driven the car past the taxi cab stand surely someone would have tried to hail me down and ask for a ride to the Holiday Inn Express.

Two amazing things happened one day at Ford. The first is that at a meeting somewhere, someone said: "Hey, you know what would be cool? How about a Ford Mustang that is school bus yellow, with a hint of orange added?" Then someone replied: "That's a good idea. Let's call it: 'Grabber Orange,' it will be great." Both of those people should be slapped, nay kicked for such idiocy. Yes, you could say it is only my opinion that the color "Grabber Orange" is ugly, but it is also a fact. Show me someone who actually likes the color Grabber Orange and I will show you someone I will never eat dinner with. My wife and mother refused to arrive at a wedding we were attending in this car, and my mother is one of the most forgiving people in the world when it comes to this sort of thing. 

When I stopped at a stop sign at the airport I decided to give the engine a little test. I put my foot down, maybe 75% throttle, the engine made a great noise, and the tires protested by squealing; but the car did not accelerate much. Despite having a four litre V6 this car is by no means fast. 0-60 in 7.8 seconds, that is hardly impressive. If I’m honest, that kind of performance is bafflingly bad. A V6 Hyundai Sonata is faster 0-60, which is just wrong. Surely Ford could have engineered more power out of this engine, but for some reason they didn’t. What a shame. Ford has a large stake in Mazda, and the Mazda 6 has an available 3.7 litre V6 which puts out 60 more horsepower. Couldn't the guys at Ford send an e-mail to their colleagues at Mazda and say: "Hey, how did you guys squeeze 272 bhp out of that Mazda 6?" 

Combine this woefully under-performing engine with a rear live axle and you have a car that is borderline terrible to drive. (If you don't know what a rear live axle is, just read my review of the Acura I did a few months back.) Its only saving grace is the fact that it is rear wheel drive, and any gear head can appreciate the ability to throw the rear end out when you push the car hard.

Hertz installed a Sirius satellite radio, so eventually I did find my classic Rock station. White Snake is perfect for a car like this. The stereo was adequate enough, but nothing special. The plastics in the car were just awful to be honest. I often liken the interior of my Mercedes to the waiting room of a four star hotel, it is a nice place to be. The interior of this bottom of the line Mustang I would liken to the dining room in a fast food restaurant, it serves its purpose, but you are glad when you are out of there.

Despite all these shortcomings however, something strange happened. I actually found myself liking the car. I had trouble accepting this, but there was something about it. I would say that there was a certain je na sais quois about the car, but describing a Mustang with French is a criminal act in the state of Texas, so no French here. Although the plastics were terrible in the car, the lines in the interior were just right to evoke a certain emotion. The numbers on the dials were in a font that reminded me of the great muscle cars of the past, so just the act of watching your speed evoked sentimental feelings.

My wife and I had to return the car to the airport in the early morning hours on a Sunday. The roads were empty and I was looking forward to driving around without any traffic to contend with. As I was driving in the neighborhood around my mother’s house I noticed that there was sprinkler leaking onto the road, thus getting my tires all wet. About 50 feet past the water was a stop sign, I casually hit the brakes and the car locked up (no ABS). Then once I hit the gas the car slid all over the place as if it were on ice making all kinds of noise. I had heard that the tires that came stock on the Mustang were terrible, but I can tell you first hand if you buy one just chuck the tires out. Even a bottom of the line set of Kumho tires would fare better than what is on the Mustang.

The bottom of the line Mustang may be a terrible car in some respects, but at $20k the car is available to the masses, which is a good thing for Ford considering how difficult it is for American car companies to sell anything these days. Making it possible for anyone to enjoy the car was a brilliant move by Ford. Luckily there are trim levels and aftermarket tuners that fix all these problems by adding such as larger tires, superchargers and limited slip differentials. A Roush stage 2 or 3 Mustang is an awesome piece of engineering. The GT500 is an instant classic, so you can't go wrong with one of those. 

My wife and I both agree, if we were to get a Mustang it would have to be the Bullitt version, because we can think of no other way to enjoy American Muscle more than pretending we are Steve McQueen in the greatest car chase on film. We watched the movie Bullitt twice since renting the Mustang, how cool is that?

(For the record, the movie Bullitt featured this car chase I posted here. What made is spectacular is the fact that it was done without any CGI and Steve McQueen himself drove the Mustang, not some stunt driver. McQueen was the real deal.)