Drive for a Cure 2008

Every year BMW does the "Drive for the Cure" event. They pay one dollar to breast cancer research for every mile you drive a BMW. Yeah, it's that easy. They give you the keys to a BMW, you drive like an idiot, then they donate money to charity.

BMW gives you a predetermined route, and this year the route went right past my house. It was awesome seeing people with great big smiles driving down the road like they stole the BMW.

So when Alia and I walked into Performance BMW for the Drive for the Cure this year they gave me a free turkey, it was a surreal experience to be honest. Here is how the conversation went:

BMW receptionist: Do you want a free turkey?

My wife: Did you say turkey?

Receptionist: If you drive a BMW, you get a turkey. Would you like a turkey?

Me: HELL YEAH, SWEET!

So I took my turkey with pride and made sure I got several pictures of my prize alongside a BMW.

But then it got me to thinking, if BMW gives out turkeys, what would other car manufacturers give out? Here is a list I propose for several car companies:

Toyota- one pound of tofu for driving a Prius. Is there any food more perfect for a Prius owner?

GM- A large can of Spam. Spam, like GM cars, are something nobody wants, but somehow they stick around.

Ford- A pound of ground chuck. Ford has barely even tried to be anything other than an all American car company. The Mustang is an unabashedly red meat car, and I love it for it.

Hummer- Free Turduckens, that is a Turkey, with a chicken inside, with a duck inside, oh and there is stuffing between each layer. Yes, it exists and you practically need a Hummer to carry it.

Buick- Salisbury steak. People still actually eat this? People still buy Buicks? Believe it or not some people drive Buicks to the store to buy Salisbury steaks.

Saab- Free chair from Ikea. So it’s not food, but since GM has been trashing the Saab name by re-badging a Trailblazer and calling it the 9-7x and re-badging an Impreza and calling it the 9-2, Saab needs to get back to its Swedish roots. And the Swedes are adept at making furniture.

But enough with all that, the real reason you are reading this is because I drove a BUNCH of BMWs. In fact the only ones I did not drive were the Alpina B7 (I had an appointment to drive it but it was broken) and the M5 (the only car BMW does not put in the Drive for the Cure lineup.)

So here we go:

The biggest surprise: The X6

Imagine if you dated someone who broke all your rules, your “deal breakers” so to speak. You promised you would never date a smoker, someone who ate their peas one at a time, or a Republican (insert Democrat if you are of the GOP persuasion). But now you found yourself on a date with just such a person, a Marlboro smoking, one pea at a time eating Sarah Palin supporter.(Or an Obama-naut, this is a non-partisan blog.) And imagine, to your horror, you actually found yourself attracted to this person. This is how I describe the BMW X6, it breaks all the rules and somehow gets away with it. It’s big, overpriced, less practical than most SUVs and ugly, but I love it...and so did my wife. BMW can do no wrong right now to be honest. BMW is making some seriously good cars right now, they can do no wrong, in fact if BMW pooped it would smell like cherries, they’re that good.

I have no idea what to call the X6. If I were considering buying the X6 but was not quite sure if I wanted one, what car would I drive instead to compare it to? There really is nothing else like it on the road. Some have called it a “crossover” vehicle, but that name means little when so many cars use that title. A Subaru Forester is considered a crossover vehicle, but that car is in no way comparable to the BMW X6. You just can’t put a label on the X6 that fits it properly and here is why:

The X6 feels like an SUV when you open the door and climb into it, it feels like a larger luxury sedan when you drive it, and it feels like a two door coupe when you accelerate and turn like a maniac. What is most remarkable about this car is that it does everything so well. Oh, except look good. Let’s face it, this car is ugly. But that is the ONLY thing it does poorly. Perhaps we can go back to the dating analogy. Let's imagine you were dating someone who you never got tired of talking to, they were an awesome cook, they had tons of money and spent it on you liberally, they had a geat sense of humor and you got along with all their friends and family...but they were butt ugly. Something amzing happen in cases like that, over time you become more fond of them, and next thing you know they no longer look ugly but you find them attractive. That is what happened with me and the X6.

When I first drove it I was jaw droppingly shocked at how good the car was to drive. The driving position was high enough for me to get a good view, but low enough to feel like a comfortable car. It felt more like a sedan when driving, until you pulled up next to a sedan and you realized that you were significantly higher than they were. The X6 has two engine options, a V8 and the BMW six cylinder twin turbo engine. I cannot say enough good things about twin turbo engine, and this engine has more than enough power for this large vehicle so I would not even consider the V8. From a comfort standpoint this car rivaled the 7 Series. Honestly, looking ugly was the only thing I could fault this car for and that is not always a bad thing. Well I guess I could criticize it for only having four seats, which is disappointing for a car so large, at least give me the option of seating five. I know I don’t have four friends to drive around with, but you don’t have to rub it in BMW.

Now if I were going to spend $60,000 on a car would I buy an X6? Mostly likely no I would not. But I would definitely consider buying a used one in three or four years time. Because of the fact that this car is so odd looking I bet a lot of people will not even consider buying one used, so it may be a great bargain in a couple of years.

The Sports Cars and Sedans

At one point during my test drives it began to rain. I was concerned that the event would be stopped. But the organizers were not concerned and here's why: BMW has made it so that only complete idiots can crash them. Here are all the safety features:

Traction control - The computer on a BMW can detect when a tire is slipping and automatically reduce the power going to that tire, it can also apply the brakes to any tire it needs to, or increase the power to other tires when necessary. It is truly remarkable technology when you think about it, but many of us are taking this sort of thing for granted these days. Just jump into an eighties model Ferrari and thrash around for five minutes and you will appreciate how far we have come.

Brake fade resistance- When conditions get wet often your braking distance is increased because when you put your foot on the brake the brakes are unable to create friction because they are wet, but they dry off in a couple seconds and eventually stop the car. In a BMW the brakes automatically dry themselves off when you take your foot off the gas, then when you apply the brakes they have the same stopping power as they have under normal conditions, just brilliant.

Adjustable Power Steering- On BMW you can get steering that automatically adjusts according to your speed. This means that the car is easier to turn under all conditions. If you are in a parking lot you don't have to turn the wheel very far to pull into a parking spot, if you are on the highway and need to make a quick maneuver to avoid something, you are less likely to spin the car out because of over-steer or under-steer.

Lane Departure Warning- Some BMWs have lane departure warning. You know those reflectors in between lanes that when you run over them they shake your steering wheel a little? Well with BMW's lane departure warning system the car can detect where the lanes are and if you start to drift out of your lane it gently shakes the wheel. I was shocked at how well this system worked.

Active Cruise Control- On the 5 Series and 7 Series you can get active cruise control. This system keeps you a safe distance from the car in front of you automatically and can even make the car come to a complete stop if needed.

Variable Brake Lights- Like any car the brake lights come on when you press the brake, but if you press it hard the brake lights appear brighter than normal. If you slam on the brakes in an emergency fashion the brake lights flash and the hazard lights come on for a moment to warn other drivers.

Not all of the above equipment is standard on all BMWs, but much of it is. If all cars had these systems in them how much could we cut down on car accidents? 10%? 20%? I have no idea, but I bet it would be a significant decrease in accidents.

BMW M3 vs. 335

For my next review I am going to compare two cars, the 335 coupe and the M3. Before I do, let me ask you a few questions:

1. Have you ever heard the words: “Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”?
   
2. Do you live near a race track that you can access regularly?
3. Were you the kind of kid that always had to have the newest toys before anyone else?
4. Have you have ever hated another woman purely because she was slimmer and prettier than you?
5. Have you ever uttered the words “size doesn’t matter” in a defensive tone of voice?
6. Have you ever stuffed your bra or pants?
   

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then get the M3, otherwise you need a 335.

Here is what the M3 does and does oh so well: at 8300 RPMs you get the full power of all 414 horses, which is accompanied by a marvelous roar from the V8 engine, it is truly a magnificent experience. Everything is built perfectly in this car. The gearbox and transmission feel great, the clutch feels like it could handle a Formula 1 engine. The steering system is great, allowing for comfortable driving and sport driving on demand. The only downside of the whole experience I can say is that I found the visibility a little cramped. I guess BMW wanted to make sure any knucklehead stupid enough to flip an M3 would be protected, so the pillars seem a bit large but I am really nit-picking here. The car is perfect in every way.

If you keep all the computers on, the car will prevent you from landing in a ditch 99% of the time. But if you are feeling daring you can turn any number of computer controlled options off and burn some rubber, do a slide, or any other moronic behavior you want. With all the computer options turned off the car is truly a beast and is a challenge to keep on the road if pushed, which is such a great feeling that I dream of driving it again. I've always said I love cars that feel like they are trying to kill you, and I could charge this one with attempted murder.

The biggest problem with the M3 has nothing to do with the car itself, the M3’s biggest problem is the 335 and here is why: To reach the M3’s peak horsepower you have to push the engine to 8300 RPMs, by the time you are ready to get out of second gear you are well on your way to 70 MPH, which is far above the legal speed limit most places. Now compare this to the twin turbo, 300 horsepower engine in the 335. The 335 reaches its peak horsepower at just 1900 RPMs, which means you get to experience the brilliance of the engine almost all the time even during regular driving.

Both cars have brilliant BMW engineering, so they both handle second to none. Sure, the M3 handles better than the 335, but that is like saying Jessica Alba is hotter than Jessica Simpson, or Brad Pitt is hotter than Colin Ferrell. While the statement may be true, sometimes second best is good enough.

As I said in my review of the 135, Dinan makes a chip for the twin turbo engine that boosts its power to 400 hp, for just $2000. That would make the 335 have just 14 fewer horses than the M3, which is astonishing. The 335 is a beast of a car in its own right, and I would bet most people would be more than satisfied with the 335 experience.

Now, as I said at the beginning, if you live next to a track go get the M3. If your daily commute includes time on an autobahn, you need the M3. If for some reason you feel inadequate in some area of your life and think material objects will help, get the M3. But for most of the world I would suggest the 335. I am a religious man, and ultimately I only want to do the most godly thing, and God does not care if I drive an M3, 335 or a 135, so give me a 135 with the added chip thank you and I will never worry about being late to the next worship service.

Sedans -

7- Series - a car that touched me inappropriately

In the 7 Series I experienced "bad touch." In Elementary School I was told that if someone gives you a pat on the back it is OK, but a slow rhythmic rubbing of unmentionable areas is bad touch. The massage seat on the BMW 7 Series gave me the latter. It was odd at first, you think: "Did this seat just rub me where I think it did?" Then when the rollers move again you are sure, indeed the bottom seat rubs you in the most intimate of places. So the next time you are at a stop light and see the person in the 7 Series next to you smiling in a curious way, know that they are probably being touched in private ways by their car seat.

Now, this car is BMWs flagship if you will. If you are a CEO looking for a car to carry fellow execs around, then the 7 Series is the car for you. It is large, so you don't feel like you are driving a sports car, but the car has all of BMW's bells and whistles I mentioned earlier so you can drive like you are a getaway car driver trying to elude the police and worry about ever losing control. (For perhaps one of the best getaway sequences, see this clip from the original Transporter movie, he was driving the old 7 Series in this clip)

The V12 engine is insane to be honest. You really do not need that many cylinders, BMW makes plenty of other engines that are smaller but would be more than adequate for this car, but almost every European luxury car maker has a huge engine in their largest sedan, so I guess it is tradition.

Several years ago BMW brought an American in to design its cars, a man named Chris Bangle. Bangle is to car design what Van Gogh was to Impressionist art. Van Gogh was not very well received by critics during his lifetime, but yet he has come to be known for defining an era of art. One modern designer said that the Z4 looked like it was designed with a machete, and I agree. But it was the 7 Series that made most people question Bangle's design. The trunk of the 2002 7 Series was truly awful, but it has been toned down recently. Now the 7 Series is a decently attractive car, but by no means can it compete with the flowing lines of a Jaguar or Rolls.

The 7 Series is a nice place to be, especially if you spend large amounts of time in your car stuck in traffic there is hardly any better place to be. The seats are both heated and air conditioned, so you are comfortable in any climate. When traveling on road trips I compare the hotels I stay at to the interior of my car. If the hotel is nicer than my car, then it was a good choice. (I usually take my ML320 for long trips, so that is the standard.) Well you really would have to stay in at least 4 star hotels to even come close to the comfort level achieved in the 7 Series. If you gave me the choice between a cheap roadside motel and a 7 series for the night I would almost always choose the 7 Series. In a cheap motel if you have someone massage you in your nether regions you will have to drive to some street corner to find a "friend," it will cost you at least $50 and you would then have to get tested for an STD afterwards. But in the BMW you can sleep soundly in the comfort of your car being without any worries of the Police busting you for the act.

The 760Li I drove was well over $100,000 which if I'm honest is an insane amount of money to spend on a car which is a depreciable asset. But if you have that kind of money to drop on a car, I guess you are not bothered much by depreciation. My wife and I have a pact not to spend that much on a car unless we can sell it for a profit or only a small loss. This is possible sometimes when luxury brands make cars with limited production numbers and you are lucky enough to get your hands on one, but I don't think the 760Li qualifies.

I was trying to think of what car I recently drove that I could compare the 7 Series to, laughably the only car I could think of was the Lincoln town car. Let me list the similarities:

1. Both have four wheels
2. I have driven both

Seriously, comparing a $100,000 BMW to a Lincoln is like comparing a Steak from Outback to a proper Prime Rib at a Five Star Restaruant. Sure an Outback steak is good, but when is the last time you had a properly cooked Prime Rib? (For the record never get beef cooked anything more than medium rare, unless you are at a place with suspect cleanliness.)

If you have the money and want one of the best cars money can buy, go right ahead and buy one. I especially encourage anyone who spends a good amount of time in their car to buy one. It would be hard for me to authoritatively say that the BMW is much better than its Mercedes counterpart without having one for a week to test.

535- The Best Sedan Period

The 535 is the perfect sedan. It is not so small that it feels cramped with four adults in it, it is not so large that you need a parking spot the size of Belgium to parrallel park it. The 535 has the twin turbo V6, which is perfect balance of power and fuel economy for a car this its size. In the 1 Series that engine feels insane, in the 3 it is scary quick, but in the 5 it is perfect. After driving all the other models I felt like Goldie Locks when I got into the 535. The M3 was too fast, the 760 was too big, but the 535...it was just right.

To be honest there is nothing else to say about the 535, it is everthing a BMW should be. But if I am to liken cars to ice cream, this is how the BMW lineup would look:

M3- Two scoops of Esspresso Ice cream

7 Series- large bowl of Gelatto

Z4- chocolate cone with sprinkles

535- Vanilla cone

While there is nothing wrong with Vanilla, and in fact sometimes you are in the mood for it, there are other times you want more. So then you can get an M5, which is a Vanilla cone...with caffeinated sprinkles.

Convertibles

Now let me just say a word about the BMW convertibles, I drove several of them on two different days, and the temperature was about 43 degrees. The BMW climate control has a setting for top down driving, and with heated seats it was quite comfortable even in the cold. So really the only time you would have to put the top up is when there is any kind of precipitation. I would be interested to see how cold you could comfortably drive, perhaps it is uncomfortable when it gets below freezing, but I live below the Mason-Dixon line so I wouldn't know.

BMW makes convertible versions of their 3 Series and 6 Series cars, as well as the Z4. Usually when you cut the roof off of a car and make it a convertible you sacrifice stability for the chance to let the wind blow in your hair. But BMW has made every effort to make the convertibles just as solid as the hard tops, and it worked. Again, you might notice the difference if you take your car to the track, but I doubt the average driver would notice a difference when driving around town getting groceries.

I decided after driving the Z4 two things:

1. Two seater convertibles are for women, or at least not for 6'5" men like me.

2. Everyone looks hotter in a convertible.

I enjoy the Z4, but everytime I see a woman get into one, I just come to the realization that women just look so much better in it than I do. That said, the 6 Series convertibles are decidely masculine cars, so if I wanted a BMW drop top that made me look more like a CEO and less like a teen pop star, that is the way I would go.

Now you may have noticed that I have made no real mention of the X3 and X5, that is because, as nice as those cars are, I just don't think they standout in the luxury SUV line. There is stiff competition there. The Land Rover looks cooler, the Volvo is more practical, the Mercedes is better off road. (Not that I know that because I took a BMW X5 loaner off roading when I had me series in the shop of anything like that, but next time you are at the BMW dealer buying a used X5, ask if it was a loaner and if it was stay away from it.) But the X5 and X3 are fine cars, just not worth writing about until they have a properly badged M version.

So there you have it, my take on BMW after this year's Drive for the Cure. Now let's see if they continue this event next year, or will this go the way of Subaru Rally racing and become the victim of a slow economy?