BMW Z4 and 650 - No roof required

Every year my wife and I participate in BMW’s Drive for the Cure. I can’t say enough good things about the event. You get to choose a BMW to drive, then you drive it around for a few miles, and BMW gives a dollar to the Susan Komen breast cancer fund for every mile you drive…brilliant. How many times does someone give money to a charity in exchange for driving a car, let alone a brand new BMW?

Last year we drove two cars, the Z4 and the 650. At my height I can forget about driving the Z4, so my wife drove that, I drove the 650, convertible. Now I am going to be honest, I love BMWs, I have appreciated them for a very long time, so I expect them to be great cars, especially the 650 since it is their largest coupe.

When I first got into the car I was impressed with the space, my 6’5” frame fit quite well in it. All the materials of the cabin are top notch, nothing cheap in this car. BMW has a proximity key in this car, meaning that you do not have any key to turn, you just have to have the key in your pocket when you get into the car then you can push the start button. The driving position is great, it is easy to get comfortable making this a true GT car.

The first thing that struck me about this car is how smooth it is. The transmission glides from gear to gear without any issue. It is so smooth in fact you wonder if there really a 4.8 litre V8 under the hood. The exhaust note is present, but not overbearing, you can hear the stereo without any problem even with the top down. The suspension and seats keep you in place and hide any bumps you might encounter. Overall this is a luxurious GT car.

Acceleration in this car is solid, 0-60 happens in just over five seconds, but you wouldn’t know it, it seems so effortless for this car. To make this car feel like a true ultimate driving machine you need to take time and disable the traction control and set the transmission to sport mode, this allows the beast to come out a little. The car feels large, though nimble. At no time did I ever feel like it was a beast out of control, it always felt solid and steady. But be warned, this car has a ton of power and although the computer keeps you on the road most of the time, it is possible to hit the accelerator right when the transmission downshifts in a corner, causing the car to buck like a wild horse and give you quite a fright. If you own this car I would suggest a trip to BMW's Performance Driving School in South Carolina, for $650 you can learn the limits of your car and avoid putting it in a ditch.

Overall though, I could not help but think that as good as this car is, I could not think of a reason to by this car over a 3-series coupe. Both cars have comfortable interiors, both go 0-60 in five seconds, both have enough room for two large adults with a backseat that can accommodate kids and baggage. The only advantage the 650 has was that it was larger, used more gas, and costs more. Other than that I could think of no reason to buy a 650 over a 335 convertible. When it comes to driving experience I actually prefer the 335, it has more feel in the steering wheel, and being smaller it feels easier to fling around corners. Maybe there is someone out there that just MUST have a bigger car, perhaps they are a very large person. However, I would suggest that rather than spend the extra cash on a 650, why not go on a diet and buy a 3-series convertible instead?

Z4

Now comes the Z4, which in many ways was the polar opposite of the 650. With a 36” inseam I struggle to reach the brake pedal, but my 5’4” wife fit perfectly. This car is slightly larger than a Miata, so it feels less like a go-kart and more like a proper automobile.

The Z4 feels like a true roadster when you sit in it. Everything is within reach of the driver, which not all cars this small can claim the same. (Go sit in a Lotus Elise and have a laugh at how bad the ergonomics are, you would think that in a car so small it would be impossible to put anything out of reach but look at the stereo, although it doesn’t matter in that car they are still a blast.) The engine in the Z4 sounds great, it sounds like it is happiest when it is above 4000 rpms. Despite being a convertible body flex is kept to a minimum. Everything is solid in this car, and as a passenger I was very comfortable, I could easily sit as a passenger for hours in this car.

The day my wife and I were in this car was a gorgeous day in Austin. My wife drove the car with spirit. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the traction control light coming on many occasions, preventing us from ending up in a ditch. As technology has taken over cars it becomes increasingly possible for anybody to drive like a maniac without ever losing control. Not all traction/stability control systems are made equal. If you drive the old Mercedes E55 you will see what I mean, the traction control in the Benz takes all the fun out of driving such a fast car. (Luckily you can turn off the traction control.) BMW has found the perfect balance of safety and control.

As a passenger I can’t remember ever having as much fun in a car as I did in the Z4. The 650 was a great car, it was calm, poised and collected, like that kind of guy a woman looks to settle down with and marry. The Z4 on the other hand was fun and aggressive, like that guy a girl dates knowing full well she is never going to marry him, but was attracted to the more exciting and consequently unpredictable aspects of his personality. You can put a car seat in the 650, you can drive your elderly grandmother around in the 650 and you can fit curtain rods in the trunk of the 650, while all these things are near impossible in the Z4 that is precisely why it is more fun.

Many people say they prefer the looks of the Z4 to the Z3, although I am not one of them. The Z3 was actually an attempt by BMW to invoke the gorgeous design of the classic BMW 507, the only problem is that only 252 units of the 507 were ever built, and it is estimated that only 202 are still around today; thus hardly anyone has ever seen a 507 so the average person does not pick up on the retro design cues of the Z3, which is a shame really. The current designer at BMW is an American named Chris Bangle, and he has a design concept called “flame surfacing” that is found throughout the BMW line of cars now. I personally did not like the new BMW look at first, but I have found it to be an acquired taste and as time goes buy I enjoy the theme more and more.

Compared to its two closest competitors, the Boxster and the S2000, the Z4 has some advantages. It is almost $10,000 less than a Boxster and has more torque than the Honda. You really couldn’t go wrong with any of the three, but I know if my wife were to buy one she would go for the Z4 because she always dated boy scouts and eventually married one, so when she drives she looks for excitement.

Chevy Cobalt- flies not included

I’m sorry, I am not going to pull any punches here. The Chevy Cobalt is such a piece of S*&# that every time I get into one I need a fly swatter to get to the door lock. Seriously, why would anyone build this car, let alone buy it? If you are reading this and own one, my condolences, I invite you to contact me so that I can punch you in the face, because that would certainly hurt less than the emotional pain of driving your car.

I understand that there are huge numbers of people driving Chevy Cobalts around, but I bet none of them have ever driven a BMW M3; they have never known the privilege of driving across the country in a nice Mercedes. Heck, they were probably glad to trade in the minivan their parents gave them for their first car, too bad they chose a Cobalt. You see, your relationship with a car is similar in some ways to your relationship with people, sometimes when you have a bad relationship you become so used to it that you don’t notice how bad things really are. Have you ever asked a garbage man how they feel about the smell? They will always give you the same answer: “Oh you don’t notice it after a while.” The same can be said for Chevy Cobalt owners, they have no idea how bad their car really is.

So where should I start when talking about what make this car so bad? From the moment you get into this car you get the feeling that it is a cheap piece of excrement. The door sounds terrible opening and closing, the plastic in the interior is about as nice as the plastic used to package my overpriced Gillette razor and the engine is as asthmatic as a premature baby born in Los Angeles. The only redeeming feature of this car is that it increases my faith in God. That may sound strange, but think about it, this car will not last forever, someday every single one will be off the road and no more Cobalts will exist, surely this is a concrete sign of God’s mercy to all mankind.

My wife and I drove a Cobalt as a rental for a week a few months ago, and we cringed to even get into it every time we had to drive some place. When a rental car company chooses which cars to purchase for its fleet it has two objectives: 1) Buy something cheap, 2) Buy something that will not be stolen. The Chevy Cobalt meets both of these needs admirably. It is cheap and if somehow a crook breaks into one and steals it, they will assuredly drive to the closest Police headquarters and turn themselves in, because the warm iron walls of a jail cell would be a welcome change from the interior of a Cobalt.

OK, I feel bad saying all negative things about the Cobalt so let me say something good. I like the seats in the SS version of the Cobalt. They are sporty and comfortable. I had the privilege opportunity to drive every kind of Cobalt there is when I was training as a car salesman, our training was at an AutoNation Chevy dealer. Thank heavens I was not required to ever sell one though, because if I had I would not be able to sleep soundly for at least a week knowing I had let someone actually purchase such a horrendous piece of shi…uh, engineering?

But I can hear Cobalt apologists saying: "Chris, Cobalts are cheap and fuel efficient, you can't blame someone for buying one when they don't have enough money for an BMW." Yes, Cobalts are cheap, but here is a list of alternatives which I think are a far better use for $15,000: (If I am suggesting a used car I put the year, otherwise assume I am suggesting a new car)

-2002 BMW 325i
-2005 Acura RSX
-Toyota Corolla
-Crawling...on broken glass
-2007 Hyundai Tiburon
-2006 Subaru Impreza
-Mazda 3

Remember: Friends don't let friends drive Cobalts.

Lincoln Town Car - Good for your Prostate

Recently Consumer Reports published a list of the most and least reliable cars of the last ten years. Out of the 62 most reliable cars, exactly four of them were from American companies. One of them was the Pontiac Vibe, which is just a Toyota Matrix with a Pontiac emblem on the hood, so really there are only three real American cars on the list. Of those three American cars, I have driven just one, the Lincoln Town Car.

I rented a Lincoln Town Car for a week a last year. My first impression was that at 30, I was less than half the age of the average Lincoln driver. The first morning I had it I walked out of the house to load my suitcases in the car and a man driving a Cadillac down the road saw me getting into this brand new Town Car. This man was so old I am sure that he thinks rap music is "just a fad" and that John McCain is that "young gun." The man rolled down his window and leaned over and asked what kind of gas mileage the car got. The man was cupping his ear with his hand so I knew he was hard of hearing. I told him in the loudest voice I could muster that I had no idea about the mileage since I just got it yesterday, but I assured him it was not as capable as his Cadillac. (He was very old, I thought a compliment of his car might help him enjoy the last fleeting moments of his life that much more.) During the entire time I had the car the only people that looked at it were old enough to be dead.

Now this car is classified as a luxury car, and it is apparent as soon as you sit in it. The seats are so comfortable I swear they were designed for people who have just had prostate surgery, which is good because most Lincoln drivers probably have had prostate surgery or will need it in the near future. This car was perfect for serial killers because the trunk is large enough to fit at least three bodies in. My tiny sister-in-law was in the back seat and it felt like she was in another room because she was so far away from the front seat, and she could have easily invited three of her friends to sit with her. The engine and transmission were smooth as a cold glass of Ensure, everything was laid out simply and easily, no fancy iPod connections here. There car felt like a luxury ocean liner. The engine had great torque and was powerful enough to pull the car without any problems. This car was comfortable, it felt like the lobby of a nice hotel, comfortable and functional. I found the rear parking sensors handy because the car is so long it is almost impossible to park without them. I have no real complaints about the car other than the fact that it did not feel modern in the slightest. I liked the return of the visible Lincoln hood ornament, it acts almost as a cross hairs to target those pesky kids playing on your lawn. I really can't say anything bad about the car other than that it was designed for my grandfather.

It was not until a few days later that I found the most surprising aspect of this car, its depreciation. This car retails for around $45k to $50k brand new but after a year this car experiences almost 50% depreciation. I am not joking, 50% depreciation in one year. It is truly remarkable. You can easily get a 2007 with less than 15,000 miles for $24,000.

So if you just has prostate surgery and you are in the market for a more comfortable car make sure you get a used Town Car. Make sure you get it in black because if you drive a black one it makes you look more important than you really are.

Porsche 928 - Risky Business

When you were seventeen did you ever take your parent's car out for a joyride when they were gone? Your answer to this question is probably no. Why? Because when most of us were seventeen our parents owned cars that we were embarrassed to be seen in, and most certainly such cars were not worth joyriding in. You can't role up in a minivan to pick up a hot girl, in fact the only kind of woman you can pick up in a minivan is one with kids, and if that is what you were into when you were seventeen, then you have problems that are worthy of a session with Sigmund Freud. If you are a seventeen year old girl thinking about joyriding in your parent's van consider this: if a BMW convertible takes ten pounds and ten years off any woman, a minivan most certainly has the opposite effect. This reality is what made the movie Risky Business so compelling and fun, the main character is left home alone in a million dollar house most people dream of and with his parent's Porsche 928 in the garage, 'nuff said. Here is a link to the original scene.

To Porsche purists the 928 is an abomination. The key is on the right, the engine is in the front, most have an automatic transmission, and there is no turbo option. Is this really a Porsche? Well yes, it is a Porsche, and quite a good one at that.

When you hear the term GT car what do you think? The term is used for all kinds of cars, but by definition a GT car is: "an automobile in the style of a coupe, usually seating two but occasionally four, and designed for comfort and high speed." The Porsche 928 is perhaps the greatest GT ever made. It was the first Porsche I ever drove, and I was not disappointed. It defines what a GT should be.

So what makes the 928 such a great GT car? Well when you first sit in it you are taken aback by how much room there actually is in the cabin, two large adults can fit quite comfortably in it. There is a back seat, which is great for bags, briefcases, and legless friends. The hatchback gives you more room for your valuables and this car is large enough to hold a week's worth of groceries without any problems. The ergonomics of this car are great, which makes it easy to drive long distances. Driving position is important, if you don't know what I am talking about try sitting in a Lamborghini from the eighties, you need to have the arms of an orangutan and the legs of an oompa-loompa. Now it is hard to find solid statistics about how many manual vs. automatics were imported by Porsche, but most agree that the overwhelming majority in the US market were automatic. The automatic is not bad, but driving purists may want to hunt around for a manual.

Of course the interior looks dated by today's standards, but if you can find one with good leather it looks quite nice. I once had the unfortunate experience of driving one with cloth interior. The car looked great on the outside, but once I saw the inside I didn't know whether to laugh or vomit. As I recall it had pink and blue triangles all over the cloth...it was bad. The best way I could describe it would be to imagine a beautiful woman, you walk up to her and she opens her mouth to talk and she has gold teeth, or maybe it is a hunky guy with a body order problem. If the 928 is a sex machine, then one with cloth interior is a sex machine with erectile dysfunction.

The V8 feels great, and the car handles like a dream. The exhaust note sounds great and it seems to be urging you to push on the gas. Visibility out of the back is great, and there are not any really bad blind spots. At this point anyone who buys one for regular driving will want to replace the stereo. Actually most older German cars have bad stereos, they tended to put Blaupunkt equipment in their cars, which I always found to be a let down and far inferior to what was available in the after-market. Luckily many of these companies have switched to Bose, which is much better in my opinion.

If you are looking to buy a 928 there are some things to look out for. First, look at the steering wheel and see if it is the original. Many 928s had an airbag and if the airbag ever went off during the life of the car the steering wheel would need to be replaced. Often times people would replace the steering wheel with a cheaper alternative, which looks bad in most cases, and you would rather buy one without any major accidents in its history. Also drive the car around for a while up and down hills and test the cooling system. These cars are notorious for developing leaks in the coolant hoses, as well as oil leaks. My rule of thumb is this, expect to pay about $20,000 for a great late model (1993-95) 928. If you buy one for $10,000, expect to spend $5-10,000 to get it into car show type shape. If you pay close to $20,000 for one you should not have to do anything to it. $10-15,000 will get you a good one that may be a daily driver. Less than $10,000 you might need to do some major work on it in the near future. I'll take a black on black GTS if you ask me, but a black or white S4 will satisfy my needs.

Oh and if you go out of town, take the keys with you lest your seventeen year old decides to go for a joyride and ends up putting it into a lake.

BMW 135 - The Battery is in the trunk.

If you find yourself stuck with a dead battery and the car parked next to you is a BMW you are in luck. Why? Because on most BMWs, the battery is in the trunk. This can prove quite handy because there are also battery terminals in the front, so you can actually connect jumper cables to either the front or back of a BMW, which is nice because it can save you the hassle of moving your car around in order for jumper cables to reach.

So you are probably asking: "Why on earth would the Germans put the battery back there, were they drinking too much cheap German lager when they were engineering their car?" If you have ever known a German engineer, then you know that these people do everything for a reason, and the trunk is the only place for a battery if you are a BMW engineer, copious amounts of lager notwithstanding. BMW tries to achieve a 50/50 split of weight distribution on their cars, meaning if you were to draw a line exactly in the middle of the car, between the front and rear tires, the weight would be perfectly split between the front and back. In the real world what this translates to is unbelievable handling. By putting the battery in the trunk on the passenger's side, the weight of the driver is counterbalanced thus making the car closer to the 50/50 split. (OK, if you are really into weight distribution then you know that the ideal split is 52/48 because when you accelerate the weight shifts, but BMW just says 50/50 in their marketing material to make things easier to understand.)

Let's get one thing out of the way first, either you are a BMW person or you're not. What I mean is that you when people see you drive a BMW they have one of two reactions, 1) You are someone who is doing well in life and rewards yourself with toys like BMWs or 2) You are an overpaid, obnoxious twit of questionable sexual prowess that makes up for your inadequacy by buying fancy cars. If you are a true BMW person you don't care either way what people think. Those who buy it for prestige will move on to other cars eventually since BMW is the best selling European luxury car and is not as exclusive as a Maserati. If you are obnoxious and lacking prowess in some area of your personal life, you will trade your BMW for a Corvette or Viper because those cars attract the kind of hairspray women you're into, it takes a woman with discriminating taste to know the difference between a 328 and an M3, and a woman intelligent enough to do that is smart enough to know you are an obnoxious twit. If you are a BMW person you bought the car for your own reasons and if everyone else could experience the joy you experience by owning a BMW then they would all drive one too.

When you get into the BMW 1 series (for this review I am referring to the 135i coupe) you are immediately struck by how comfortable the interior is for such a small car. At 6'5" 220 lbs. I fit quite well. It is better to treat this car as a two seater, fitting four adults over five feet tall would prove difficult. The back seat is perfect for groceries or maybe a car seat. I actually preferred the ergonomics of this car to the 3 series, the window switch was easier to get to, the door was easier to close, etc.

On top of the ideal weight distribution this BMW has traction control, stability control, brake assist, and everything else BMW could think of to keep you out of trouble. With all the electronic assistance turned on it is almost impossible to get into any kind of trouble in this car. My wife took a sharp u-turn on a highway at 50 mph and you could actually feel that she could have gone faster, the car and its computer were making all the adjustments to keep the car on the road. The technology is truly remarkable, if you were to try the same maneuver in an M3 from the late nineties the steering wheel would thrash back and forth and you would be fighting it the entire way. (Although it must be said that driving a car that fights you like that can be a great deal of fun.) With the new generation of BMWs there is little chance of you spinning out because you get a little too enthusiastic with your lead foot. Although I have not driven it in snow, I imagine that it would do quite well. The twin-turbo 300 hp engine makes this car perform with the best of them, 5 second 0-60 is easy to achieve. Not to mention that BMW tuner Dinan makes a chip upgrade that gives you 84 more horsepower for $1999, that would make this car a threat to Corvette owners everywhere.

In the US we only have two versions of the 1 series right now, the coupe and the convertible. Overseas they have a five door hatchback which looks similar to the Mazda 3 here in the States, and many critics have called that version of the 1 series ugly, and thus some argue that all the 1 series cars are ugly, but this is not the case. The coupe and convertible are attractive cars, and are similar in size to the old 3 series (1992-1998). If you want to save money go for the leatherette interior, it is comfortable, indestructible and requires little care. If you are an obnoxious twit who needs to take a little blue pill at the end of a date then the red leather is your only choice.