I’m sorry, I am not going to pull any punches here. The Chevy Cobalt is such a piece of S*&# that every time I get into one I need a fly swatter to get to the door lock. Seriously, why would anyone build this car, let alone buy it? If you are reading this and own one, my condolences, I invite you to contact me so that I can punch you in the face, because that would certainly hurt less than the emotional pain of driving your car.
I understand that there are huge numbers of people driving Chevy Cobalts around, but I bet none of them have ever driven a BMW M3; they have never known the privilege of driving across the country in a nice Mercedes. Heck, they were probably glad to trade in the minivan their parents gave them for their first car, too bad they chose a Cobalt. You see, your relationship with a car is similar in some ways to your relationship with people, sometimes when you have a bad relationship you become so used to it that you don’t notice how bad things really are. Have you ever asked a garbage man how they feel about the smell? They will always give you the same answer: “Oh you don’t notice it after a while.” The same can be said for Chevy Cobalt owners, they have no idea how bad their car really is.
So where should I start when talking about what make this car so bad? From the moment you get into this car you get the feeling that it is a cheap piece of excrement. The door sounds terrible opening and closing, the plastic in the interior is about as nice as the plastic used to package my overpriced Gillette razor and the engine is as asthmatic as a premature baby born in Los Angeles. The only redeeming feature of this car is that it increases my faith in God. That may sound strange, but think about it, this car will not last forever, someday every single one will be off the road and no more Cobalts will exist, surely this is a concrete sign of God’s mercy to all mankind.
My wife and I drove a Cobalt as a rental for a week a few months ago, and we cringed to even get into it every time we had to drive some place. When a rental car company chooses which cars to purchase for its fleet it has two objectives: 1) Buy something cheap, 2) Buy something that will not be stolen. The Chevy Cobalt meets both of these needs admirably. It is cheap and if somehow a crook breaks into one and steals it, they will assuredly drive to the closest Police headquarters and turn themselves in, because the warm iron walls of a jail cell would be a welcome change from the interior of a Cobalt.
OK, I feel bad saying all negative things about the Cobalt so let me say something good. I like the seats in the SS version of the Cobalt. They are sporty and comfortable. I had the privilege opportunity to drive every kind of Cobalt there is when I was training as a car salesman, our training was at an AutoNation Chevy dealer. Thank heavens I was not required to ever sell one though, because if I had I would not be able to sleep soundly for at least a week knowing I had let someone actually purchase such a horrendous piece of shi…uh, engineering?
But I can hear Cobalt apologists saying: "Chris, Cobalts are cheap and fuel efficient, you can't blame someone for buying one when they don't have enough money for an BMW." Yes, Cobalts are cheap, but here is a list of alternatives which I think are a far better use for $15,000: (If I am suggesting a used car I put the year, otherwise assume I am suggesting a new car)
-2002 BMW 325i
-2005 Acura RSX
-Toyota Corolla
-Crawling...on broken glass
-2007 Hyundai Tiburon
-2006 Subaru Impreza
-Mazda 3
Remember: Friends don't let friends drive Cobalts.
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